There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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