I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
