So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
