And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
