My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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