we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
