I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
