hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
