Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
