just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
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why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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