My room smells like vodka and shame
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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