I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
