it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
