My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick