then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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