I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning