Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
