I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
