I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
