I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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