Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
