naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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