How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
