great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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