I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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