Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
birth control should be required to get into college
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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