When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
