and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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