I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
