even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
birth control should be required to get into college
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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