god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Green mimosas i think yes
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
