I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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