This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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