you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
