Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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