she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
