I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
