I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
