she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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