we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
