he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
