she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
