He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
