My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
