my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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