Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
