I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
