No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
