We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
