I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
