you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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