I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it because I queefed?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
