Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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