You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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