I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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