I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
