We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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