Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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